


For You

by elcondorpasa



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes' lover would call him Jamie, Death, F/M, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Memories, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Romance, Sad Ending, angst angst angst ANGST!, but I'm not, i think i'm poetic, idk why i write this shit, im sorry if this hurts?, im sorry if this sucks, never a happy ending, tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:37:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8770249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elcondorpasa/pseuds/elcondorpasa
Summary: As he turned to leave, he could have sworn he saw a beautiful flash of brown hair in the corner of his eye. An aroma of lavender and vanilla filled his nose and his heart swelled. This wasn’t the first time he’d caught glimpses. He knows it’s not real. He knows he is seeing what he wants to see. So, Bucky continued forward and left the apartment exactly as he had found it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I re-read this a few times but it's like 2 AM and I can't find my glasses. I apologize for any mistakes and my lack of medical knowledge.

A soft patter of rain was the only sound to be heard on a solemn day like this. The cries of the team had subsided and all that was left was the constant rain that had been falling for three days. Steve supposed it was better the sky matched the tower’s current mood rather than the sun shine down tauntingly. No, it was more fitting that the days were dark.

Steve sighed while running a large hand down his face, as if it would clear all of his worries and restore what once was. He dared to walk down his apartment’s corridor. As he slinked closer towards the ex-assassin’s room, he paused. Barely audible to the average human ear, Steve’s enhanced ears picked up a soft sob. After the accident, Bucky had barley left his room. Natasha swears she saw him visit the 18th floor once or twice. She recounts seeing the man pace back and forth in front of apartment 13. The apartment hadn’t been touched. Tony specified wanting to keep everything the way it was just in case. Tony, of course, knew nothing would change. The team, although, unanimously agreed that the area remain unbothered for now.

The sound of Bucky’s gentle crying had stopped, Steve noticed. He looked up as the soldier’s door creaked open. If Steve’s heart could break any more, it would shatter at the sight of his oldest friend’s state. Never had Steve seen Bucky look so frail and in need of help, not even when they were recounting his time with Hydra.

_“She really did a number on you, huh, Barnes?” Steve thought._

As if sensing Steve’s pity, Bucky stood a little straighter. This did nothing, however, to mask his swollen eyes and red nose. The shadow along his jaw was beginning to look like an actual beard and his hair was now well past his shoulders. The man standing before Steve bore little resemblance to his friend whom was quite normal five days ago. Steve’s throat tightened as he thought about all the bad hands Bucky has been dealt in life. Steve went to speak, but was cut off as Bucky knew exactly where the conversation would go.

“Do you-“

“Don’t”

“Buck…..You need to talk to someone. This isn’t something that you can sweep under the rug and deal with on your own.”

Bucky sighed and marched past Steve quickly. Steve was becoming tired of just watching his friend suffer. He knew this conversation would be difficult, maybe perhaps a punch or two would be thrown, but Bucky needed to talk to someone. So, as ever diligent, Steve continued and pushed a bit farther as he followed his friend down the hall.

“You know, you’re not the only one who lost her right?”

“Rogers, if you know what’s best, you’d stop right there. I mean it.”

“Bucky, she’d hate to see you moping around like this. You know that too. I understand you’re still grieving. Hell, we all are, but life goes on. It doesn’t stop for us. We need to make arrangements and prepare for what’s gonna happen now. Her family are coming in tomorrow.”

Bucky was now standing in their shared kitchen and felt sick to his stomach. A few boxes loitered by the front door labeled Kitchen Stuff and Clothes. A lump formed, causing Bucky’s next words to waiver just a bit. Turning, he tried to push the images, that formed from the sight of the boxes, out of his head.

“Steve….Look, I’m trying. Okay? I’m trying my hardest to fucking understand this. Isn’t that enough for now?”

Steve could tell that any further questions or remarks from himself would absolutely crush Bucky. So, with a heavy sigh, Steve nodded and made his was back to his respective room. Bucky stayed in the kitchen for a few moments. However hard he tried not to, his eyes always drifted towards the boxes taunting him. He cautiously made his way to them, as if he was a small child who would be scolded for touching something he was not supposed to.

His hands trembled over the box labeled Clothes. Carefully, Bucky removed the lid and his heart sunk. On top, his favorite sweatshirt was folded neatly. The first thing that really hit him, though, was the smell. A faint whiff of lavender and vanilla hit him like a truck. His shaky hands slid into the box and pulled out the soft sweater hidden right underneath his sweatshirt. It was a light blue and obviously home made.

_“That’s what makes it mine, Jamie. I’ll make you one too, if you’re nice enough.”_

 A cry built itself up in Bucky’s throat as the memory flashed through his head. He decided to leave the rest of the articles alone and shifted the lid back onto the box. With the sweater in hand, James walked out of his and Steve’s apartment to the elevator as the end of their hall. Every step felt like his body was made of lead. His heavy footsteps moved into the lift and Bucky absentmindedly let his finger fall on the 18th floor’s button as it had done many times before.

The car arrived to its destination quicker than Bucky would have liked. He hadn’t visited the apartment. He nearly did a few times and he knows a few people caught glimpses of his slumped shoulders patrolling the hallway, but he could never bring himself to walk in. This time was different though. He knew he had to do this. His constant sulking would worry Steve to death and, quite frankly, Bucky wasn’t sure how he would handle loosing another loved one.

With heavy feet and a heavier heart, Bucky moved towards apartment 13. _Her favorite number._ Pressing his thumb to the scanner at the door, a soft turning and beep signaled the door was unlocked. “Now, just to open the door”, Bucky thought to himself. Bucky grabbed the handle and turned it to pushed the door open. As Tony requested, everything was exactly where it had been. Clean dishes sat on the drying rack waiting to be put away, a few papers sat strewn across the kitchen table, and a pile of clean laundry, not yet folded, was throw on the large couch of the living room space. Bucky took a few steps inside and the door closed behind him, sounding three times louder than it was. A deafening silence took over. The man’s feet shuffled forward towards a mantle holding various frames of smiling faces. One picture popped out of a man and woman, clearly in love, holding one another at a picnic. Bucky stopped and lightly ran his fingers over the cool glass.

_“Take the damn picture, Rogers!” She laughed loudly. Her arms secured themselves around Bucky’s neck. “Smile, Jamie.You’re absolutely beautiful when you do. Promise you’ll smile everyday for the rest of your life.” She sighed sweetly to the man in her embrace. Bucky grinned at the nickname. He’d absolutely kill anyone else who dare called him that, but coming from her mouth, it sounded as beautiful as it ever could. “For you,” he began, “a thousand times over.”_  

Bucky snapped back to the present. His eyes began to water and the cry building up had begun to make his throat burn with he desire to be released. Another picture, not framed, but resting slightly against a small jewelry box, stood out to Bucky and his hand lay on the dust coated mantle. A young girl, not much older than 10, stood proudly in front of a papier-mâché volcano with a 1st place ribbon. The girl’s hair was neatly placed into identical pig tails with a light blue ribbon to match her loose overalls. Bucky’s hand moved to grasp the picture. He ran his thumb over the face of the small child. He then turned the picture over to see if the date and year had been documented. Sure enough, in black pen and delicate cursive, the back of the photos noted and Bucky read aloud, “First place at the science fair. September 4th, 1995. Riley, age 8.”

That was the first time he had allowed himself to speak her name since she the mission. Finally, the sob swelling in his throat ripped from him. It was loud and primal, much unlike the quiet cries he had in his room where he knew Steve could hear him. This floor was empty now. No other inhabitants took residence and Bucky could scream and rage all he needed too. The hurt was too recent. How could anyone expect he be alright within a few days. He had just watched the woman he loved die.

They were a week from moving in together. She had begun to move boxes to their floor. Bucky had laughed when she explained it was so the movers didn’t have extra work to do. She stuck her tongue out at him when he let her know that she needed to stop putting others before herself. The one thing that had he had loved most about Riley, had ultimately caused her death. The papers and news channels made it sound heroic and romantic how she had sacrificed herself for the safety of her team. The first time he heard that shit spewed, he had punched a hole right through the TV. It was not romantic watching someone you love slip away right in front of you, bloodied and crying.

He remembers holding her on the ride back to the tower. He could still feel the faint beat of her heart and a part of him burned with hope. Hope for another day, for another hour. They had had a big fight over something that seemed so trivial and stupid to Bucky now. They didn’t get the chance to exchange apologies and make ups before the entire team was called for duty. He just needed her to know that he was sorry, that he still loved regardless of anything she said or did. He knew better, of course, than to hope for anything in his life to turn out as he wanted. The large gash on Riley’s head and the way her pupils didn’t react to the light Banner shone at them when her eyelids were lifted basically confirmed she was, in fact, brain dead. While the loving heart, that Bucky carried so much passion for, beat steadily away once stabilized, Riley was no longer there. She couldn’t be brought back, not with all the stupid hope in the world.

Bucky had sat frozen when the quinjet arrived. Others moved around him, blurring as they alerted the medics on sight that one of the team members was hurt. Her body was lifted from his arms and a shiver ran through his at the lost of warmth. It took him nearly an hour to pull himself together just enough to make it inside the tower where his worst fears were confirmed.

Bucky’s head was swimming with every memory him and Riley had shared as well as every possible moment they could have shared. Another sob released itself from Bucky and the man finally gave in. Every part of him shook with anger and grief. He clutched Riley’s sweater to his chest as if he could mend his broken heart with some badly knitted yarn. It was about 3 hours later that Bucky’s body could no longer produce any tears. He wiped at his face harshly before standing to return to his apartment for the solitude of his room. As he turned to leave, he could have sworn he saw a beautiful flash of brown hair in the corner of his eye. An aroma of lavender and vanilla filled his nose and his heart swelled. This wasn’t the first time he’d caught glimpses. He knows it’s not real. He knows he is seeing what he wants to see. So, Bucky continued forward and left the apartment exactly as he had found it.

*****

A week had passed since Bucky had finally worked up the nerve to visit Riley’s old apartment. Her parents had arrived the next day, after Bucky’s visit, as Steve had informed. Bucky held Riley’s mother as the doctors turned off the machines keeping Riley’s heart beating. Each member of the team had their time to say goodbye as did the members of Riley’s family who could make the trip such short notice. Bucky took his sweet time just looking at the small frame of Riley’s body. It barely filled half of the bed. Part of Bucky just wished she was sleeping and would wake up any minute now to pester him about the scowl that’s always on his face.

_I only smile for you, doll…_

The funeral was a nice gesture, but Bucky felt that it didn’t do her any justice. However, Bucky would never think that anything was good enough for his girl. He wanted to spend the rest of his life giving her everything wonderful in the world because she deserved it. Folks walked by and hugged Riley’s mother and father before passing to shake Bucky’s hand. He recalls a blur of friends, family, and even a few people he’s pretty sure had never even met Riley, shaking his hand and commenting on a lovely service. He wanted them all to shut up.

Steve had been the one to find him after the funeral. Bucky was sitting in the small garden on the tower’s roof top. Riley and Natasha insisted it would be a great idea and would add a bit of beauty to the dull concrete building. Steve walked towards his friend slowly. When he realized Bucky was too caught up in his thoughts to notice Steve was behind him, he gently cleared his throat. Bucky jumped a bit and Steve prepared himself for any lashing out if a flashback had been triggered. But Bucky calmed and shot his friend a glance before asking, “Did everyone leave yet?”

Steve chuckled lightly, “No, not just yet. It’s getting to be that time though. You should really come back down. I know Riley’s mom and dad wanted to speak with you before they went back to Washington.” 

Bucky looked down to his hands, he wove his metal and flesh fingers in and out, desperately trying to work up the courage to let his friend in.

“I still see her, you know? Like, in the corners of my eyes and such, little flashes; I’ll see her as I turn, but then she’s just gone.” Bucky’s words came out quietly, the last few of them quivered and his eyes screwed shut to avoid tears spilling over.

“I think we all do, Bucky. How could you not when she was such a huge part of your life. Nat swears she can hear Riley humming when she’s down in the gym training. Hell, Sam says he sees her every time he walks past that little french cafe you two went to all the time. She’s still here in a sense, Bucky. She’s always gonna be here for you, watching out for you. Those we love never truly leave us.” With that, Steve gave Bucky a light rub on the shoulder before returning to the reception.

Bucky decided Steve was right, as usual. Riley would kick his ass for spending all this time crying over her. After one last look at the garden and a place to the setting sun, Bucky got up and began to walk towards the door inside. A breeze made its way across the roof top, bringing with it a hint of lavender and vanilla.

_“Promise you’ll smile everyday for the rest of your life.”_

“For you, a thousand times over.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Okay, so this is like my first post on this site ever. I was watching something sad and felt like writing something sad. I'm so sorry if this was really sucky and anti-climatic. I used two prompts from http://creativepromptsforwriting.tumblr.com/
> 
> “For you, a thousand times over.”
> 
> and
> 
> “I still see him, you know? Like, in the corners of my eyes and such, little flashes; I’ll see him as I turn, but then he’s just gone.” (I was gonna write a stevebucky ficlet with this one, but it didn't fit just right with the story I want to tell. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment, kudos, anything.


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